The Doubly Indebted Generation

“Do you know how many times I wiped your butt?  All the middle of the night wakeups, all of the fun things I used to do that now I can’t because I care for you.  Do you have any idea how much I’ve done for you?  You don’t have any idea what I’ve sacrificed for you.”

Lines like these were slung around during heated arguments when I was a teenager.  It shut me down.  How could it not?  It felt true.  I, even now, think it WAS true.  A lot was done and sacrificed for me. I didn’t understand it at the time, but there I was, just a kid, and I had a lifetime of debt to repay. It felt as though I had signed them up for all of this, but by the time I was old enough to form thought they were already knuckle-deep in doo-doo.  How could I have been the one to cost them all of this when all I could do was shit my own pants?

I now have four kids of my own.  I really wanted to pass along this debt of gratitude, but I just couldn’t.  Somewhere along the way I learned that children didn’t ask to be born.  Before they were born they were nothing.  They felt no pain and that would have continued.  It’s not as though I saved them from non-existence.  I made the choice that I wanted to have children. And, in my opinion, I made the choice to change my life in order to care for them.

Yes, children are a sacrifice, but they don’t have to pay that cost; it is only mine to pay.  They didn’t ask to be born.  I brought them into this world and I feel it is my responsibility to care for them and give them the best chance at a happy and healthy life.  

I’ve also learned that what’s needed is considerably more than food, clothing, and shelter.  Connection, belonging, touch, sexuality, emotional support, and an environment where they feel safe and comfortable being themselves are some of the things I have added to my list of things I do my best to provide them.

But this post isn’t about those things.  It’s about what it’s like being the generation that has these realizations.  My parents think I owe them AND I feel like I owe my kids.  I have to pay out in both directions.  It’s expensive (mentally and emotionally) and it’s isolating.  I can’t give my parents what they think is owed to them.  I am barely able to give my kids what I owe them AND try to take care of myself.

I hope you didn’t expect a solution here.  I don’t have it.  I just want others that have had this realization to know they aren’t alone.  And that your sacrifice for the children you had is worth it.  It’s worth it for their happiness, but also for the improved relationships you can have with them as a side effect of this mentality.