Want to Level Up Your Relationships? Say Scary Things.

I’ve had glimpses of a way of relating to people. Up front it’s terrifying, but on the back end there is a belonging and acceptance that I didn’t know is possible.

And the only I had to do was say the hard thing.

Joe Hudson was on the Modern Wisdom podcast recently and Chris Williamson asked him about this tweet.

Oof. This recalled a feeling I’ve experienced a lot in relationships. The issue that comes to mind is when friends consistently show up late. I feel frustrated and hurt, but it feels like I’m the weird one for caring about being on time and the culture is to be 10-20 minutes late so if they are just doing what everyone else is doing so who am I to complain?

Looking back, I now realize that I had something important—to me— to say and didn’t say it. I had a boundary that I needed to draw, but I was afraid of upsetting the person. I didn’t know they would get upset, but just the possibility of that happening caused me to not speak my truth. I was choosing to be passively angry vs maybe no one being angry AND a deeper connection.

Hey Future JT, here’s how you set that boundary: “I really like doing this activity with you. If you show up late anymore I’m going to start without you or stop doing this activity with you until you can show up on time.”

I think this ticks both of Joe’s boxes when it comes to boundaries. “When you think of the boundary it opens your heart no matter what they say” and “it’s telling them what I’m gonna do, not what they’re gonna do.”

I guess the way this opens my heart is if they start showing up on time I feel seen, heard, and valued. If they say they don’t want to do that then I can still feel seen, heard, and valued by myself because I spoke up.

I believe that using this tool/technique/communication method will help me overcome my people-pleaser tendencies and build up my self-esteem.