Am I There Yet?

If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning. -Vincent Van Gogh

Throughout all of my life I have had this feeling that things will be perfect. One day I’ll have everything situated the way I want.

“We’ll move to the country and everything will be perfectly quiet and calm and then we’ll be able to really live.”

“I’ll make gobs of money so we can do tons of cool activities.”

“I will tame my emotions and reach enlightenment.”

I thought that growth was reaching a certain height and then enjoying the view. I’ve never met or even heard of anyone achieving this. I just assumed it was how things went. I will eventually grow up and these childish problems will fade.

But what I thought were childish problems were actually just features of humanity.

Arguments with loved ones: People are going to grow and change and need to renegotiate how they relate to each other occasionally.

“Negative” emotions: Anger is trying to keep me safe or shout that something is unfair. Grief is honoring what I lost and how valuable it was to me.

I would like to start viewing myself the way I view a tree. I don’t wish it to be taller or criticize the direction it went with that branch. It. Just. Is.

I. Just. Am.